Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
