Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
there is glitter all over my balls
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
