i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize