a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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