All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
