i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize