he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
