At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
