Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
