do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
