He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
