The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
