I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
