Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
as a side note pls kill me
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
