Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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