i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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