Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
