I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
