i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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