I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
what day is it and did you see me today?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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