if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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