Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
