I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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