chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
