Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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