I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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