so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
