it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
