Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
