In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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