sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
