Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
