I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
