Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
