Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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