so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dick very happy bro
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
