i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
