bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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