Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
