Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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