i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
