she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
