there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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