My first STD was from a foam party
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
