I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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