Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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