I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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