What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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