How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
