If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
