I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
