don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
