It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
