Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
