My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
