How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
