I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
