we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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