If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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