3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
