after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
