I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
