I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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