My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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