I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
