I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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