you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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