I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
