maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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