Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
