I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize