I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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